What do people think of me?

I've long tried to get over asking myself that question. But it keeps popping up. The obvious answer is, they probably aren't thinking of me much at all, lol! But I keep feeling apologetic for the fact that I'm retired at the youthful age of 61. I find myself trying to explain why to people and feeling depressed because I still assume they don't understand. These are people whose opinion I value. The rest of the world I'm not worried about.

I've always had a tendency to doubt my ability to make decisions on my own. With Bob gone I don't have much choice. Should I have retired early, when I could have made more money if I'd waited 5 years? I didn't feel like I had that choice. I wasn't making enough to really cover all of my bills, and I was so exhausted from the work that I couldn't have gotten a second job to supplement it. I figured that if I retired I would basically make as much as I did at work after taxes, and I could then supplement with a part-time job if needed. Also, all of my co-workers that I'd worked with for the last 13 years were retiring and they were being replaced with people who didn't have the same work ethic. I wasn't going to kill myself trying to do everyone else's work.

I think I would feel better about all of this if I just went out and found a little weekend job. I don't want to stop helping Micah with getting the kids to and from school, so the weekends are pretty much the only time I could work. One of the perks of retirement was also that I didn't have to drive back and forth to town in bad weather. I dunno. I'm just feeling down in the dumps because I just got off the phone with my step-son and he thought I was still working, which made me feel guilty. I'm a guilt machine, folks! He didn't say anything to make me feel bad. It's all in my head.

Anyway, Sandra just posted the following quote. I wonder if it contains any wisdom for me?

"It is not the cares of today, but the cares of tomorrow, that weigh a man down. For the needs of today we have corresponding strength given. For the morrow we are told to trust. It is not ours yet. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear." ~ George Macdonald ~

If you've read this far you are a real trooper! Sorry for dumping on everyone. This is my diary, after all! (I really try not to post this type of thing, but I needed some therapy today!)

I will try to come up with something a little more Christmas-y next time! :)

I hope you're all enjoying your decorating and cookie baking!
Shalom.